


AA in Hell

by shipwars24



Category: Original Work
Genre: Alcoholics Anonymous, Hell, but yolo, this makes no sense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-20 19:28:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30009825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shipwars24/pseuds/shipwars24
Summary: AA in hell can be a fun time (:
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	AA in Hell

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story created together by a group of pirates on board Ship Wars.

Everyone in the room had gathered for the same reason.

There had been an email everybody got that morning.

It was time for AA yet again.

"Who wants to start first?" Asked a man in a sweater. "I know the issue we had earlier was a bit catastrophic"

“So,” Dave began. "Who else heard about the free cake to whoever arrived to the meeting first?"

"The cake was a lie." Someone else responded.

"Nooooooo", screamed a man wearing a tweed coat, doing a good job of mimicking Edward Much's scream.

“Goddammit barb,” someone called out. A muffled splutter came from the corner of the room. "I dont know if you want this cake, Larry is the one who made it."

Harry attempts to sneakily sip from the flask at his hip. A certain bald cat swiped at his hand.

Everyone turned around to see a cat half-submerged in what could only be described as a melting marshmallow if it had been scooped out of a dumpster. 

"Hey, that's my cat!" said a girl.

Harry Potter pulls out his wand aims at the cat and starts to yell "Avada Ke-"

The cat eats Harry, letting out tentacles from its maw. Attempting to escape the eager hands that grasped at the remnants of the supposed cake, the cat crashed through the single window in the room and sailed out into the Beyond, Harry's wand eerily clattering to the floor in its wake.

"Ah man," muttered Katara. "Not again."

"Well, that was unfortunate," said a man with silver hair.

A certain paint thinner loving cowboy appears in the middle of the room.  
"Oh shoot, here we go again," said everyone in unison.

"Ah! you made it!" One of the event coordinators say, moving forward to help the cowboy to his seat.

He takes one look and says, “not today satan,” before disappearing. In the corner of the room, Satan burst into tears.

"CONFOUND THAT CAT! IT DRIVES ME TO DRINK!" A pale green skinned man in a purple suit said as he took out several shots of whiskey and drank them at a fast pace.

"Faer Fecks Sake ets Alcoholics Anonymous not wee bloody drink all the durn booze yeh want," McGonnagal says.

Crowley mutters, "I am so not paid enough for this," as Satan cried on his shoulder.

A hawt bloke stood up and went to the front of the room. "Hi, my name is James Potter, and I'm an alocholic."

The room erupted into boos.

"Darn," James Potter said, and offed himself.

Then Anakin skywalker comes crashing through the ceiling drunkenly singing from his speeder. A certain drug-loving spider joins anakin in his song. A man whose nickname is, ironically, the Spider, also whistles to the tune.

"Your son just died!" Someone yelled from the back  
Spiderman swoops in, wondering if he missed the party. Spider-pig walks in at the same time, holding a fresh cup of coffee and sporting multiple hickies on his neck. "What's up?" He oinks.

McGonnagal yeets anakin into the lava pit which is coincidentally about 6 feet away. But the lava pit is not real, as it is merely a pit covered in hot sauce.

"No!" yelled Anakin. "The high ground is mine! Stop trying to steal it!"

Obi-Wan glares Menacingly at Anakin for that comment.

"Anybody want a peanut?" A giant asked.

Dave wonders if he’s having a fever dream, or high af. Maybe its a combination of both. Dave blinks slowly - he could have sworn this all happened two years ago, back when there was more than one Window in this room and it wasn't used for AA meetings.

He shrugs it off; distorted memories were a side effect of the magic mushrooms he ate, after all.

"You good, dave?" Asks Tobey Maguire.

"Felt like PTSD," Dave replied.

"Quiet Down EVERYONE!'' One of the counselors yell.

Tobey patted his knee, before turning his attention to the counselor. That counselor immediately turns into a demon because this is actually hell. Super hell.

She coughed fakely. A fluffy clipboard zips into the room and starts flipping pages noisily next to her.  
A woman wearing a skin-tight black suit and guns on her shoes walks in.

"Now," Dolores Umbridge said sweetly, "anyone caught drinking any liquid here, will be expelled from Hell."

A winged cat throws his bottle at umbridge. McGonnagal casts an ancient scottish torture curse at Unbridge.

Nothing can harm Umbridge though. She is all powerful, for she is the Devil Incarnate.

"I am looking for Beezelbub. Is he here?" said the woman in black.

"Who da fuck is beez bub?" tobey asked.

"Mwahahaha," laughs beez bub. "For it is I, BEEZ BUB!"

"That wanker is not with me. Try the bar down the road," shouts Satan.

"I will have order!" Dolores yelled, "also a boyfriend would be nice..." she makes kissy faces at Spiderman. All the spidermen (and pig) cringe. Spiderman dodges.

All of a sudden from the heights of heaven comes an angel who stabs the ever-loving shit out of umbridge. Umbridge drop kicks the angel. The woman in black shoots at the angel.

Umbridge wins again. But not for long. Sadly however, Umbridge loses when Satan decides he's had enough and drops Unbridge in the abyss permanently so she can't affect a darn thing.

"Oh no!" wails Dave dramatically.

"Is this the Alcoholic Anonymous?" asked a man in a suit and tie, who had just arrived.

“No, this is Patrick.”

"You're late," Said tobey maguire, judgmentally.

"It's not like I can die of heart attack fast enough."  
"Meme Makers meeting is across the hall," someone drawled.

Pepe quickly shuffled out of the AA room towards across the hall. The janitor, Joel, exclaimed, "Pepe, my love! Don't leave!"

"I'm not an alocholic, bitch!" Pepe screamed back."

Joel sonnet-ed, "It doesn't matter! We're destined to be lovers! We can be alcoholics, together."

"Please cease yodeling that drivel!" shouts Matthias to Joel.

In a protest of anger, Joel shouted, "YODEL-LEIGH-HE-HOO!"

Satan teleports that Joel fellow into Granddad until he learns his lesson.

"You do realize this is literally hell right?" Satan asks, "Regardless what happens you will always wind up back here. So, die all you want, I am still here waiting for you."

"It's the circle of lifeee!" Someone began singing.

"Hey Satan," said a man with dumb glasses, a mustard colored button up, and an ugly tie, tiny nose and beady eyes, "will you start a bed and breakfast with me?"

Alastor gives a long sigh. “Why am I here, again?”

"Does it really matter in the end?" mutters Matthias, the man standing at the doorway.

"Obviously not, you Dunderheads," Drawled Snape.

"I would rather rake myself across the hot coals dedicated to that vindictive Snape Asshole," Satan says in reply.

Snape sniffed before swiftly sliding out of the room. Snape was just so done with everyone. Everyone was so much happier without Snape.

The man glared, and then handed Satan a buisness card, "Dwight K. Shrute, Dunder Mifflin," he introduced himself.

"Dwight eh? You're reserved for pranks that rapidly escalate until batshit insanity on either their part or yours." Satan says

"No," Dwight said indignantly, "did Jim put you up to this?"

"No," Satan replies, "Jim is sentenced to mind numbing monotony funnily enough."

Dwight hummed, happy Jim was suffering, before shooting bambi's mom.  
From all of the teleporting, Joel's molecules get messed up, and he fuses into Grandad. He has become: Grand Joel. Fusion is forbidden, however, and they are quickly escorted out. Beefzone plays during that whole ordeal.

Sad and lonely, Grand Joel lives out their life alone on the streets. Sadly, however, hell streets are filled with pineapples on pizza, the perfect torture. Pizza Rat explodes with glee at all the pizza it can drag.

A normal civilian shouts, "That doesn't make sense! You can't do that!"

"Does hell ever makes sense?" shouts the man in the jumper.

"Yes, have you ever heard of the Nine Circles? Clearly, they're organized!" explains the civilan. Satan teleports that man to a hell that does make sense to his puny mortal mind. Civilian is displeased with being teleported to hell.

"Unless you are Betrand Zobrist", mutters a woman. Satan gets a headache at the mere mention of that name.

"I don't speak french" says the one-lingual citizen. 

"I only speak french," said Matthias.

Satan is confused by that considering they're all speaking french and swahili concurrently as those are the native languages of hell that all its denizens speak.

"French and France sux," says the countryhuman called england

"Je Parlais Francais," said a random thing.

"Baguette, wine, paris oui oui," whispers the mime. Satan teleports that mime to clown hell.

"You uncultured Brits should shut your pie hole," said Matthias.

"Aren't you british?"Asks countryhuman England.  
"Do I sound british?" Matthias says, horrified.

"Yes, otherwise you're a clever Aussie."

"Alright," Satan starts, "I'm giving you fellas about 5 minutes to get your goodbyes said because AA is almost done."

"Good, happy hour is starting soon," says the alcoholic.

"On second thought.... get me out of here now!" Matthias panicks. Satan keeps Matthias there permanently just to screw with him. 

Matthias begged to satan, "Please give me back my voice, I will give you my firstborn son."

Dave was still not sure what he had drunk.

Crowley looked like he was about to call it quits, job be damned. Satan teleports everyone but Matthias to their punishments. And thus Matthias was left alone with Satan, in the ruins of the failed AA in hell. The end


End file.
